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When human kills human

Stories and News No. 853

"Are you new?" Asked the senior colleague.
"Yes," replied the newcomer in the newsroom. "I'm the new titlist."
"Oh, it's easy."
"Sure. Look, I'll help you, then I'll leave you a note. All you have to do is follow the rule of if... then the news is. "
"If then what?"
"There's a break, kid."
"Already? Wonderful, I needed a coffee!"
"No, idiot. I meant the ellipsis between if and then... "
"Sorry. "
"No problem, since you’re new. That’s simple. First of all, here we sell death, right?"
"As the funeral?"
"No, it sells coffins. I mean as the killers."
"I don't understand…"
"Are you sure you have been hired here? Listen, even a child may understand the if... then the news is. Someone killed one or more persons, all right? "
"All right?"
"It's an example, idiot. Even if it were so, it is clear that it's all right. That is great, if you want to know, otherwise why are you here?"
"Yes, I'm sorry. Continue. "
"I was saying… somebody killed someone or even more than one. If the killer is a Muslim then the news is terrorism. "
"Excuse me, but what happens if that was not because of terrorism?"
"What do you care? You write just the opening titles. "
"Okay. Please, go on. "
"If the murderer is a foreigner* then the news is immigration, better if the illegal one."
"Wait, there's an asterisk."
"On foreigner. Remember that all the richest European countries, in addition to Oceania, Japan and obviously Canada are strictly excluded."
"What about the Vatican?"
"Sorry, go ahead."
"If the villain is homosexual or other category that characterizes his loving / reproductive orientation then the news is the gender theory."
"What is it?"
"No one knows, but you put it on."
"I understand, gender theory. Then?"
"If the aggressor is male and the victim is female, then the news is violence against women, but only when we are close to 8 March."
"It has gone."
"Then see if there is any other occurrence on the equal opportunities and all this nonsense, then write it on."
"Clear. Then?"
"Then, if the assassin is a relative then the news is the moral drift of the modern family."
"That's a good one."
"True, it sells a lot."
"If the slaughterer is a policeman or a soldier then the news is nowhere."
"And where is it?"
"Ah… I see."
"Good. Let’s come to the massacres. "
"Oh my God…"
"Don’t worry. In this case you must apply the variant if... then the news is... otherwise. For example, if the perpetrators are Muslims or foreigners with an asterisk then... you apply the precedent rules. Otherwise the news is madness."
"What do you mean?"
"Simple. It was just a crazy act, a sudden frenzy behavior. Normal insanity, in a few words. But there is an exception. "
"Which one?"
"If the slayer was high then the news is drugs, and in this case take your time to also tackle free weed."
"Alcohol too?"
"Seriously yet?"
"Now, yes, but not before, I swear."
"Don't swear."
"Agree. Thank you very much, one last thing. "
"Before you said that we are like killers. We do not hurt anyone..."

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